Free Information

I got a book on sale.

The book advocates small talk, something I'd always disdained 

because it seemed boring (and I wasn't very good at it).  

Small talk is, apparently, the basis of all greater conversation,

and indicates a willingness to have conversation.  It helps determine what topics

you might have in common with someone else.  

It requires some imagination.  If you just state the obvious:

your conversation might not catch on.  

The book calls the imaginative part "free information."  

You give extra information based on what you're interested in talking about:

This is sort of a foreign concept to me.  Sometimes I have such fear of conversation that,

unless there is something immediate or emergent (like a house fire)

I don't have any idea what I would like to talk about.

Coming head-on into a conversation with someone I don't know

with this blank, empty feeling inside is a really bad idea.

So I've started trying to populate this empty space with simple things.

It's like Max leading cows back to his farm in Minecraft with wheat--

I try to lead some of the information about my life into this space 

so I can access it and grab it easily when needed.

Conversation is a lot like fishing--putting something out there and seeing what happens.

The goal is to not get your feelings hurt if no one takes your bait, 

but to "try again with someone else."

The book makes a lot of assumptions about its readers hardiness.  

The Year I Learn to Talk

When I first meet people, I often project the qualities onto them 

that I hope they will see in me:

I then go about investing envy or desire into those imagined qualities.

This projection is so strong I can get high off it, like fumes off gasoline.

It becomes difficult to realistically engage with the person.

I am so busy huffing the vibes of their potential--

who they might be, what they might think of me.

It's incredibly lucky that I haven't gotten into trouble in my life with this tendency--

some people have stuck with me, good-hearted and unwilling to take advantage,

or patient enough to wait until I settle down.  

But it's unfortunate that I've blown opportunities to develop relationships, 

too caught up in a narcissistic, neurotic fantasy.

Last November I turned 36 and decided this was the year 

I would learn how to talk to people.

Which is why, sometime this spring, I made a vow to only count 

what really happens between me and another person, not what happens in my head.

Which means I have to learn how to make conversation.

So please be patient.

  

Introvert Seeks Friend (awkwardly)

(photos by Max Cooper)

Grab with Both Hands

Dreaming about a Van

(This dream was several days later)