When I first meet people, I often project the qualities onto them
that I hope they will see in me:
I then go about investing envy or desire into those imagined qualities.
This projection is so strong I can get high off it, like fumes off gasoline.
It becomes difficult to realistically engage with the person.
I am so busy huffing the vibes of their potential--
who they might be, what they might think of me.
It's incredibly lucky that I haven't gotten into trouble in my life with this tendency--
some people have stuck with me, good-hearted and unwilling to take advantage,
or patient enough to wait until I settle down.
But it's unfortunate that I've blown opportunities to develop relationships,
too caught up in a narcissistic, neurotic fantasy.
Last November I turned 36 and decided this was the year
I would learn how to talk to people.
Which is why, sometime this spring, I made a vow to only count
what really happens between me and another person, not what happens in my head.
Which means I have to learn how to make conversation.
So please be patient.
No comments:
Post a Comment